Some Funny Jokes Sometimes you just have to break up all the seriousness for a day or two so I decided to put up some of the funniest jokes I could find. I went down the street to a 24 hour grocery. When I got there the owner was just locking the door. I complained that his sign said the store was open 24 hours. He said it is, just not 24 hours in a row. A man walked into a store and told the clerk he wanted to buy a bar of soap. The clerk said do you want it scented? The man replied no, I’ll take it with me now. Men don’t care what is on television, they only care about what else is on television. An elderly man had a young wife and he can’t seem to satisfy her sexually. He sought advice from a marriage counselor and the counselor told him to hire a muscular male model and get him to stand next to the bed swinging a towel over his head. The elderly man hired the male model who stood next to the bed swinging his towel, but nothing happened. The male model suggested the elderly man stand next to the bed and swing the towel and he will have sex with the man’s wife. After only two minutes things work out. The elderly man says, see that is how you swing a towel. A man went to the doctor who told him he had hypochondria and the man said, not that as well. A woman told her doctor she had a bad back and the doctor said it was old age. The woman said she wanted a second opinion and the doctor said okay, you’re ugly too. A man ordered a lobster in a restaurant. When it came he said to the waiter the lobster had only one claw. The waiter said it had been in a fight. The man said get me the winner. A guy decides to go ice fishing for the first time. He hears a loud voice saying “There are no fish under the ice.” Nervously he decides to not pay attention and moves to another area and cuts a hole in the ice and then he hears, “There are no fish under the ice.” He looks up and says, “Lord is that you?” Then he hears the voice again, “No it is the manager of the ice rink you idiot” Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? A very cheap widow went to the local newspaper to take out an obituary notice for her husband who just died. She asked the clerk how much is it and he told her one dollar per word. She said make it Smith died. The clerk said there was a five word minimum. She said okay, make it Smith died, car for sale. A woman said she and her boyfriend broke up. When asked why, she said he wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to. A woman goes to the doctor. He asks her what her problem is and she says her body hurts all over. He says show me. She pokes her neck and screams in pain. Next, she pokes her leg and again screams in pain and then she pokes her stomach and screams in pain. The doctor says he knows what her problem is, she has a broken finger. A man had a very skinny girl friend. When he took her to a restaurant the waiter told him he could check his umbrella. A Russian village had a cow which stopped giving milk. They sent some villagers to Minsk to buy another cow and this one gave a lot of milk. The villagers thought let’s buy a bull and mate it with the cow and we will get new cows who give a lot of milk. There was a problem, the cow refused to have sex with the bull, so the villagers went to the village wise man and told them the problem. The wise man thought for a while and said did you buy the cow in Minsk? The villagers were amazed and asked how the wise man knew this and he replied his wife was from Minsk. |
