Truth Facts General

Funny Jokes Part II

One Liners
What do you call a fish without eyes? Fsh.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it is pointless.
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
What did the policeman say to his bellybutton? You’re under a vest.
Never argue with a doctor, because he has inside information.
My wife told me I twist everything she says. I took it as a compliment.
To make holy water you have to boil the hell out of it.
Doctor I have a strawberry stuck in my bum. Doctor: I have some cream for that.
What do you call a woman who has Pms and Esp? A crank who thinks she knows everything.
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she fits into your wife’s clothes.

A man goes into a supermarket and buys a single serve meal. He also buys a single serve drink and a single serve desert. He takes everything up to the checkout where a pretty checker greets him and says I can see you are single. He replies how did you know and she says because you are so ugly.

The host of a party a husband and wife were at paid the wife a complement. He said she was a really good looking woman and added honest I only had one beer. Her husband interrupted and said imagine how good she would look if you had two.

A woman gave her husband the silent treatment for a week. At the end he said, hey honey we’re really getting along pretty good lately.

A man wasn’t paying attention when he was driving and drove into the back of another car. The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said he wasn’t happy and the man said well which one are you then?

A woman was getting on a bus carrying a baby. The driver of the bus said she had the ugliest baby he ever saw. She went to the back of the bus and told one of the passengers the driver had insulted her, the passenger replied, go tell him off, meanwhile I will hold your monkey.

A woman was looking into the bedroom mirror and feeling terrible. She said to her husband she looked old, fat and ugly and needed him to pay her a compliment. He said you have dammed good eyesight.

A traveler was being fed in a monastery by a monk, he was frying chips. The traveler asks if he was the friar? The monk replies no I am the chip monk.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, I wish my friends were here.

A guy had a blond girlfriend and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride. She did. They got into the car and he began to drive, but thought there was a problem with the car’s blinkers so he asked her to stick her head our to see if they were working. She did and said, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes.

Three old guys were out walking. The first one said, windy, isn’t it? The second one answered, no, it’s Thursday! And the third one replied, so am I. Let’s go get a beer.

When an old man was driving on the freeway his phone rang. He answered it and it was his wife. She said she just heard on the news a car was going the wrong way on the road he was on and to be careful. The man replied, heck it isn’t just one car going the wrong way its hundreds of them.

An old woman says to an old man at the rest home, “I can guess your age. The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. Pull down your pants, she says. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, You’re 84 years old. That’s amazing, the man says. How did you know? You told me yesterday.

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