Stupid Criminals

It never ceases to amaze me what some people will do, especially criminals. If one was to read some of the criminal exploits or sit in criminal court proceedings for a while they would begin to see a pattern. That pattern is one of utter stupidity. I have seen a lot of criminal cases firsthand. One case I remember had to do with a home takeover. The criminal was a huge male who had invaded the home of an elderly couple. The old man was a retired doctor. The criminal demanded money from the doctor who claimed he had none in the house, but would be glad to go to the bank and cash a check. The criminal agreed and stayed with the wife expecting a nice amount of cash, but instead was greeted by the police. Another case I remember had to do with impersonating a police officer. A man had been in and out of prison for most of his adult life and was about fifty years old when he was arrested again. He was going up to cars, saying he was a cop and demanding money. Well, it seems he went to the wrong car. The driver asked him for identification and he took out his wallet and showed an id card. Unfortunately for him the driver was a genuine police detective and the id he presented to the detective was the type of ID card you get when you buy a wallet. He had typed the word police officer on the top and pasted a black and white photo of himself to the card. Not only did it not look very convincing, but police id are all in color and he had no badge. It was back to the jail for this genius.

A burglar decided he had found a great way into a home he thought had a lot of valuable items. He must have thought to himself this was going to be an easy gig. He decided to do a Santa Claus. A Santa Claus is where you slide down a chimney. I would like to say this first, it is not a good idea even for a criminal to try and slide down a less than 18 inch wide hole if you are more than two feet wide. Our friend found this out as he got wedged somewhere in the middle. It was actually quite painful for him since no one was home and he had to remain in the chimney for many hours. I guess this made him wonder how Santa does it.
One criminal was bragging to his friend about all the video game machines he had stolen. The friend was impressed and the two laughed and talked about the score. When you have a cell phone you should never keep it in you back pocked when you sit down. This guy learned the hard way because as he sat, his phone butt dialed the police and they listened intently to his whole conversation and were also able to locate him from the signal. My question is why would a criminal have a speed dial number to the police on his phone in the first place?

There he was inside a store trying to shoplift. He had items in his pockets and I think several layers of clothing, but something went wrong. A store security guard had seen him and began to run after him. The criminal was fleet of foot and managed to get up a good head of steam and head right for the door, the glass door. When one uses a door it is customary to open it first, but our genius criminal didn’t think it was closed, being clear glass and ran right through it suffering all sorts of injuries. He did get through it however, but when he was on the other side he was in no shape to continue his run.

I would like to tell you about another true story which I personally witnessed. A man was on trial for stealing a car. A jury had been selected and they were sent up to the jury room, while the defendant was allowed to stay free and return after lunch when the trial would start. The jury was supplied with lunch at the expense of the court. The jury room was on an upper floor and faced the court parking lot where the judges parked their cars. One of the court officers got a signal from the jury room and went up to see what they wanted. They wanted to report the fact while they were eating lunch they saw the defendant stealing the hubcaps off the judge’s cars. You can imagined what happened to him when he came back after lunch.

One burglar must have gotten very excited when he was able to break into a particular home. He had stolen a lot of the electronics in the home, but somehow left his cell phone behind, which made it a simple matter to find him.

A woman apparently made it a habit of stealing people’s ids. She had gone into a restaurant and somehow stolen a waitress’s id a few weeks before. She returned to the same restaurant and ordered something requiring her to prove she was of age and produced the stolen id. The problem was her waitress was the same one she had stolen it from.

Here is one I can hardly wait to tell you about. A man broke into a woman’s home and stole what he believed was a cash of cocaine. He spent the day snorting it. It turned out to be her husband’s ashes and the ashes of her two dogs. Apparently the ashes were in two different packages. This was in a police report written by the police of Marion County in Florida. Not all of the ashes were snorted because somewhere along the line, the burglars realized they were not cocaine. Duh…