A Little Humor

I read something the other day which I thought was funny enough to share so here it is and please take no offense, I fell for it to:

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD
1. You can’t count your hair.
2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in fool.
Ten things I know about you…
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can’t say the letter “P” without moving your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You have a smile on your face and just skipped number 5.
8. You just checked to see if there was a number 5.
9. You laugh at this because you are an idiot and everyone does it too.
10. You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

A naval officer lost his ear in an accident but was able to remain in the service. Eventually he was promoted to admiral. One day the admiral was interviewing three candidates for a position. He called in the first one who was used to serving on ships. The admiral asked him if he noticed anything different about him. The candidate replied, “Why yes you seem to be missing your starboard ear, I was wondering if it impacts your hearing on that side?” The admiral threw him out of his office. The next candidate was in naval aviation. He was asked the same question and he replied, “You seem to be short one ear.” He was also thrown out. The last candidate was a Marine gunnery sergeant and he was asked the same question and he said, “I see you are wearing contact lenses.” The admiral was very pleased with his tact. The admiral then asked how he knew that and the Marine replied, “How could you wear glasses with only one ear?”

A woman was getting on the bus with her baby when the driver said to her, “that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen.” The woman was furious and sat down next a man. He noticed she was upset and asked her what happened. When she told him the story he told her to go back to the driver and give him a piece of her mind and added don’t worry I’ll hold your monkey for you.

If I were to be able to give an award for the corniest joke the following one would win:
A group of chess players had just checked into a hotel after their tournament and were standing in the lobby talking about their victories, the problem was they were still there after a couple of hours. The hotel manager finally had to come over to them and ask them to disburse. They asked him why and he replied, ''because, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

This one would come in second:
A three legged dog goes into a saloon in the old west and leans on the bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
The teacher asks the class, “What does the chicken give you?” The class replies, “Meat!” Good she says and asks, “What does the pig give you?” The class yells, “Bacon!” Very good she says and asks, “What does the fat cow give you?” The class replies, “Homework!”

A child asked his father how people are born and the father told him Adam and Eve had babies and their babies had babies and so on. The child went to his mother next and asked her the same question and she told him we evolved from monkeys. The child then ran back to his father and said he lied to him and his mother told him we came from monkeys. The father said he didn’t lie and his mother was talking about her side of the family.

There used to be a street named Chuck Norris but the name had to be changed, because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high definition channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks, the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God? "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are You going to get a lawyer?"

A large factory in a small town had a policy of hiring only married men. A woman living in the town was very upset about this policy so she went to the factory and asked the manager why they only hired married men and did they have something against women? The manager replied not at all. The reason we hire only married men is they are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being pushed around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when we yell at them.