Greatest Tabloid Headlines Some of the best headlines come from the tabloids. I am not saying the best articles but you have to admit “Headless Body Found in Topless Bar” while being a bit ghoulish is a great headline. I have to wonder if the reporter had an epiphany or he really had to take time to think this one up. It is just so tabloid, isn’t it? Some experts claim you can learn a lot about creating headlines from the tabloids, they seem to have the knack of getting attention for their papers. Some writers say negative headlines are the best and gather more attention than bland ones. I guess this is true especially if they relate to something most of us are worried about or interested in. One of the tricks with headlines is not making them too specific about the article because you want readers to be curious enough to read the article and not decide beforehand they are not interested. As many of you readers know I write a lot about space among other things and there was a great headline I believe was about a body in space which might hit us, it was entitled “Kiss Your Asteroid Goodbye”, you have to admit that is a great headline and I bet it garnered many readers. Admit it, wouldn’t you might want to take a glance at this article if you saw the tabloid on a counter? The next title of an article is a bit more subtle and it was about Bill Clinton when the Senate was taking testimony on his charges for the sex scandal with Monica Lewinsky which took place in the White House. When he was not convicted of sexual assault, an article came out in the News which was titled “Close But No Cigar.” If you don’t get it, ask someone who remembers the hearing and the scandal. Some of the articles are so crazy, but they are funny. One ran in the Weekly World News which stated in bold letters “Alien Bible Found.” The second line of the headline stated, “They Worship Oprah.” Even for a tabloid this one was extremely way out. I guess what can you expect from a paper which also ran the headlines “Aladdin’s Lamp Discovered” and “God Shows Up In Mall.” All these headlines were in the same issue on the front page. One has to wonder how they think all these up. I have to wonder if some of these same writers are creating stories for the politicians. You might want to make sure if you are near a certain man that head is covered, preferably with a motorcycle helmet because the article headline states, “Man’s 174-MPH Sneeze Blows Wife’s Hair Off.” Wow that must have been some sneeze. If this guy ever gets the Covid virus he could infect a whole neighborhood with one sneeze. All I have to say is his wife must have had a lot of loose hair. Perhaps he blew her wig off. The last thing I want to know is how did the reporter know the sneeze travel speed? When Germany and France did want to punish Iraq the New York Post ran a headline which was titled, “Axis of Weasel.” One titles stated we are not alone because “Five U.S. Senators Are Space Aliens.” I always suspected that didn’t you? You should always not only brush your teeth but probably gargle if you are a husband because an article title declared, “Husband’s Bad Breath Kills Wife.” He must have had some really bad breath, perhaps the military should contact him to see if they could weaponize it. Bill Clinton has a habit of getting into trouble but one title declares he was in a fight and received a black eye, and shows it photo of him with it. The title states, “Alien In Slammer After Fistfight With Bill Over Hillary!” It is not clear what the aliens wanted with Hillary, but one can only imagine. You never know what babies will look like when they are born. One particular baby birth must have been very painful for the mother because the headline states, “Baby Born With Antlers.” There is a photo of a baby with full grown antlers. Could this be a Nazi experiment? One title could be true with all I have heard about some cities in California. The title reads, “Aliens Settle in San Francisco.” Now I know why San Francisco is in such trouble, it is the fault of the aliens. Then there is the poor woman who states, “I Had Bigfoot’s Baby.” Poor thing. It almost seems the headlines get weirder as time goes by. Speaking about aliens, can you imagine what an alien would think If he landed on earth and the first thing he saw was a tabloid with these types of headlines? Maybe that is why they never make contact because they think we are all crazy after reading “Chimp’s Head Put On Human Body.” One of the more classic headlines was simply, “The End Is Near.” How many times have we seen this on signs or people have said this to us, it is hardly earth shattering, but it must have some appeal or the paper’s editors would not have made it a tabloid headline. Then there is that sad headline about Marilyn Monroe which said, “Marilyn Was Bitten By Vampire.” One of my personal favorites is “Missing Plane Found On The Moon.” Maybe we don’t need expensive rockets and trained astronauts, maybe we can just fly there and it is being kept secret. Many of us get annoyed at some of the new articles, but even if this is true you have to feel sorry for this reporter, “News Reporter Eaten Alive By 80 Foot Dinosaur.” Do you like to eat out? Maybe after seeing this headline you might change your mind. “Chimp Is Chef At 5-Star Restaurant!” Talk about cheap labor. Give him a couple of bananas and he makes you a gourmet meal. In case you don’t believe in the afterlife, one tabloid can prove there is an afterlife with photos. “First Photos of Heaven.” See, we now have the proof. I wouldn’t want to be this guy because he must be a nervous wreck. You can understand why after seeing this headline, “Crop Circles Appear in Men’s Chest Hair.” Maybe they should be called something else like hair circles or chest circles because I am sure his chest hair is not a crop. There just seems to be no limit on the fantastic headlines. There is also no doubt no one believes any of them.
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