Humor
They say that humor makes the world go around, along with some other things I guess, so here is a light hearted page to take our minds off world events. These jokes are not aimed at any one person or race so please just enjoy them.
Two men rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. A couple of months after the robbery they meet at the designated spot and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?" My sack had a million dollars in it! "Gee that is an awful lot of money, what did you do with it ?" I bought a BMW, a house and invested in the stock market. “What was in your sack ?" My sack was full of bills. "And what did you do with them?" Little by little I'm paying them off.
One day, a not too bright man is flying on a three-engine jet from Europe to America. In the middle of the flight, one of the engines dies down, and stops working. The captain says, "Don't worry, we can still fly with two engines, but we'll be an hour behind schedule." Then, about a half an hour later, another engine dies out. The captain reassures them, and tells them they will be two hours behind schedule. The man turns to the guy sitting next to him and says, "If the third one goes out, we'll be up here all night!"
How many blondes does it take to play tag? ONE.
What is the difference between stupidity and genius? There are limits to genius.
A man drives his $250,000.00 Ferrari to the bank. He enters the bank and asks to see a loan officer. When he meets with the loan officer, he asks for a $5,000.00 loan. The officer says he needs security and the man hands him the keys to the Ferrari. The loan officer accepts the car as security and has it driven to the bank's underground garage. Everyone in the bank laughs at the man for using a $250,000 car for security for a $5,000 loan. A week later the man returns and pays off the loan, the interest was $11.00. Just when he was about to drive away the loan officer runs up to him and says he must ask him a question. The man agrees and the officer asks him why he would use an expensive Ferrari for security for a small loan? The man replies how else could he have parked his car in New York City for a week for $11.00 and been sure it would be there when he returned?
I started with nothing and still have most of it.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A joke similar to this was selected as the world's funniest joke by scientists in Britain. Two hunters are in the woods when one collapses and is laying on the ground with a dazed look on his face. The other hunter hurriedly takes out a cell phone and calls 911. He yells into the phone that he thinks his friend might be dead. The operator says "calm down, the first thing you must do is make sure he is dead". He puts the phone down and the operator hears a shot, and he gets back on the phone and asks, now what?
According to some sources, this is the world's second funniest joke: PATIENT: Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, What's with that guy over there by the wall? The clerk says, Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative. The owner says, You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives! The clerk says, Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese!
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks. The bartender said, That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first. The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. Where did you get all that money? asked the bartender. I'm a professional gambler, replied the man. The bartender said, There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right? Well, I only bet on sure things, said the guy. Like what? asked the bartender. Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye, he said. The bartender thought about it. Okay, he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. Aw, you screwed me, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye, said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet. So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. Aw, you screwed me again! protested the bartender. That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars, said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop. The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. Okay, you're on, he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars! The guy climbed down off the bar and said, That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!
Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job. Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. Amazing! the manager said. How did you do it? Easy, Jones replied. I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie.
